This was written by a friend of mine, Wendy Jones. I figured I would share it with you on this Christmas Eve!
Unfortunately, high-placed Confidential Informants have reported that all is not well with Santa’s annual mission to deliver toys & goodies to all of Earth’s deserving residents.
It seems that, like so many of us, Santa has run afoul of the United Socialist States of America’s (abbreviated as U.S.S.A.) morass (pron: “more-ass”) of govern-“mental” agencies:
Although theoretically capable of travel at approximately 200,000 MPH, Santa’s sleigh is inhibited by members of the U.S.E.R. (Union of Socialist Entitlement Reindeer) which managed to arrange multiple labor strikes at the borders of each region, country & state in the world, protesting both the inequality of Santa’s employing only those reindeer who could actually fly & the EPA’s mandated addition & installation of a catalytic converter into each of the reindeer’s “exhaust ports”, as they violate emission standards.
Santa didn’t escape the EPA unscathed either, as it turns out that milk & cookies give him gas, which despite being methane & one of the many naturally-occurring “greenhouse gases”, comes under the purview of the EPA. However, he’s narrowly managed to avoid the converter installation himself by directing his gas into his sleigh’s deuterium-fueled controlled-fusion reaction chamber.
Many activists point out that there’s already a surplus of greenhouse gas currently being released in the Washington D.C.-metro area.
After receiving stiff fines by the F.A.A. for failing to file a Flight Plan & causing multiple Unauthorized Sonic Booms, & under threat of having Patriot Interceptor Missiles launched at him by NORAD, the Department of Energy demanded he land & submit to their inspection & approval of his propulsion system, claiming it constituted a substantial public hazard while at the same time, admitting Santa’s technology is far superior in efficiency & lacking the conventional heavy-element radioactive toxicity of nuclear fission.
However, now Santa has been grounded & having to raise some quick cash to pay the many fees & fines, he’s auctioned off all the gifts. His pilot’s license has been revoked & his sleigh impounded by the local police for traveling well in excess of the 25 MPH in residential zones & he’s required to pay the unemployment fees due as a result of laying off the reindeer.
He was last seen hitch-hiking back to the North Pole.
Surely, there’s more of the same to come.